November 9, 2011

Blerg.

It's been a while since I last posted and that is for two reasons:

1) I always get depressed during Fall/Winter because it is when I lost my father to a violent crime. I was nine years old and a witness to it (as were my three younger siblings). While I rarely think about it and have addressed it in therapy, it still manages to affect me every. single. year.

2) Wife contacted me and, although it went better than could be expected and has provided some closure, it has still been difficult on me emotionally and has no doubt been exacerbated by the time of year. To be brief, she told me that she felt betrayed by the two people she loved most and that she doesn't want any contact from me. She said that she hoped her feelings would change in the future, but that this is where she is right now. She hugged me, kissed me, and told me that she loved me. I expressed my remorse (again) and gave her my support. Then we parted ways... possibly forever, but I certainly hope not.

I have been fairly withdrawn for the last month and a half and have been forcing myself to (minimally) interact with the world around me so that I don't enter the death-spiral that is depression. I often liken my experience with depression as being stranded in the water. I can either swim to shore, tread water, or drown. I feel like I have been treading water and now it's time to start swimming.

I hope to see land soon.

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