May 26, 2012

Suck My Cockiness, Lick My Persuasion

Last year, Kare and I decided that we would begin negotiations to establish a power exchange relationship. However, due to his demands at work, we decided to shelf the idea until the summer.

Now that summer is practically here, Kare has brought up the idea again. The only problem is... I don't think I want to go through with it. Or, more accurately, I don't think I want to go through with it with him. As wonderful and accommodating and acquiescent of a boyfriend as Kare is, he would make a terrible submissive for me - and I have a year's worth of evidence to support this statement.


  • My first assignment was for each of us to define how we view the roles commonly found within bdsm. It was a fairly simple and practical assignment. He wasn't required to write anything down and the definitions didn't require any research. The information was to be taken from his own understanding and beliefs on the topic. As I thoroughly explained to him, this assignment was meant to be a way to understand what each of us was asking going into negotiations to ensure that we were speaking the same language. And he didn't do it.
  • Kare has a few bad habits that frequently frustrate him and effect him negatively to the point that he has asked me to help him make improvements. For example, he is a terrible procrastinator. He'll stay up until 2am (when he has to be to work at 7am) doing work that should only take him 2 hours (at most) because instead of being productive, he is dicking around on his computer. I have gone so far as to offer to split his work with him to cut down on actual work time for him significantly. All he has to do is work on it before I go to bed, which is generally between 10pm and 11pm. I will remind him several times throughout the evening of my offer to help (as well as his request for my help), the advancing hour, and my upcoming bed time. To this, I am usually met with one of three reactions from him: superficial excuses, visible annoyance, or I am brushed off entirely. (Mind you, he asked this of me.)


These behaviors show me that he is not ready or not interested in the type of power exchange relationship that I would like to pursue. Based on his actions, I am under the impression that he wants all of the fun/play and none of the work required. This saddens me because I would be thrilled to share a meaningful bdsm relationship with someone that I love so much. But his blatant disregard for me in this context triggers highly negative emotions in me including hurt, disrespect, disgust, and resentment.

So, I guess when we actually move to talk about this I will share my observations with him and, instead, suggest that we limit our bdsm interactions to within temporary and defined scenes (play), with minimum to no power exchange involved. This has been our set up in the past and, while it's not as encompassing and, in some ways, less fulfilling for me, it still meets some needs. It will still allow us to connect on this intimately kinky level, it provides both of us with a certain release and, for me, it will provide practice as a Top.

If he is interested in a power exchange relationship, I will encourage him to search for someone more compatible for him in this regard since I want to see him fulfilled and happy on his own kinky terms. It is an option I plan to keep open for myself as well.

(Note: If you want to view the FetLife threads that I started on the topic, you can find them here: Submissive men and the women who love them ; Ask a Dominant Questions ; Femdom Group. There have been some very interesting comments shared if you care to have a look.)

May 18, 2012

Risk and Reward

My world has included a whirlwind of emotional events over the last several months.

I am very good friends with one of the kink community leaders in my area. I finally told her about my experience with Husband that included non-consensual sexual contact on multiple occasions. In turn, she told me that several other women have complained about Husband to various leaders with instances ranging from the minor (such as aggressive disregard of personal space that made them uncomfortable) to the major (such as unsafe play practices and non-consensual sexual contact). She also informed me that none of the women were willing to come forward to validate the claims since he was considered a leader in our local community.

So I decided to speak out.

The community leaders launched an investigation. By the end, 8 separate and independent statements were made where women were either permanently scarred from unsafe play or sexually violated, all of which included a disregard for boundaries and/or consent.

Later, there was a leadership meeting held where the most active and prominent groups were represented and - by unanimous vote - asked Husband to step down as group leader for the better of the community due to the controversial claims. He did not step down and, as such, his group is no longer endorsed by the community.

A new group has been formed and sanctioned and I have accepted a position on the leadership board.

I am extremely lucky to have received such support and encouragement from leadership and the (majority of) members of my local community. I am forever grateful that my statements and those of other women were taken seriously given the prevalence of rape culture (which I did experience, albeit minimally) that is disturbingly prevalent in the kink community (of all places!).

The icing on the cake was when Wife called me and said she had finally left him and was leaving town. She thanked me and apologized for not hearing me earlier (which I told her was unnecessary) and promised that she'd be in touch once she felt ready. I told her that I was extremely happy for her and wished her nothing but happiness with someone more deserving of a beautiful and compassionate person like herself.

On top of that on-going-but-mostly-concluded saga, I have been asked to help coordinate a national kink event, my first ever! I am excited and flattered to be trusted with such a responsibility as well as a bit overwhelmed and nervous. I have also decided to volunteer to be a Dungeon Monitor for a new and growing local community-ran dungeon (which includes being on-site security and policing the safety of scenes during play, another first for me). Not to mention, I have been accepted by a major kink site to aid in customer service issues.

Yeah, I don't know how I'm going to juggle all of this either lol.